Is Death our Enemy, Frenemy, or Friend?

Most humans fear death, and often view it as an enemy, a joy-killer. The idea of death threatens our everyday existence and often makes us sad, scared, and generally unhappy. Why would we want to think about it when we have so many other ‘more pleasant’ things to think about? Since we all know (deep down) that the inevitable that happens to others will also happen to us, what if we could change our point of view?  

Barbara Kairns, RN, an award winning End of Life Educator, can help us here. She writes*:

“The experience of dying a gradual death is an important, integral part of life. It is an opportunity to write our final chapter, to define the ending of our story. 

How we face our impending death can result in our finest work. Or we may be so frightened in the face of this terrifying challenge that we can't quite get ourselves to rise to the occasion. The part of our life that is associated with dying, that final challenge, will be met in the same way we have dealt with any other challenge in our life. A doer will get things done and address issues straight on. A procrastinator not so much. A talker will probably become [chattier], an introvert will probably be even quieter. Our personality doesn’t change; it intensifies.

To say dying is a challenge is an understatement. If we don’t get run over by a truck or experience some other form of a “fast death," we will be presented with the opportunity not just to put our material affairs in order, but to put our relationships in order, as well. And, that includes our relationship with ourselves.

Yet, how many of us pretend death won’t arrive, pretend the treatment will extend life indefinitely, pretend a miracle will happen? The thing is, we live inside of our bodies. We know. We know when treatment isn’t working. We know when we are in our last chapter. We know when we have further work to be done before we leave. BUT most of us ignore that which we “know” and pretend. Pretend we will get better. Pretend when the treatments aren’t working. Pretend we have all the time in the world.

End of life doulas … offer the opportunity to address the fears, and the reluctance to accept that our life is approaching its end. They give guidance in putting affairs in order, encouragement and support in saying goodbyes. End of life support can help us finish our work. It can help us write our final chapter in a more meaningful way.”

Most people have the choice to either ignore the idea that their life will end or to create a meaningful final chapter. Which will you choose?

If you are struggling with acknowledging that death will happen to you, please reach out to me for guidance. As an End of Life Doula, I’m trained to help you face the inevitable in a gentle and compassionate way so you can plan your final chapter your way. Once you’ve acknowledged that you too will die and done the planning, you can get back to the business of living with, hopefully, more peace of mind and an appreciation for the joys you have in your current live.

*Barbara Kairns, RN “A Blog at the End of Life” Award Winning End of Life Educator, Award Winning Nurse, NHPCO Hospice Innovator Award Winner 2018 & 2015 International Humanitarian Woman of the Year.