Advance Care Planning: Why It’s So Hard, and Why It Matters

Most of us don’t plan for the one thing that’s guaranteed, our death. There’s a “not now”

or “I don’t want to talk about it” mentality that keeps many of us from preparing. Maybe it’s fear, denial, or the hope that by avoiding the topic, we can delay the inevitable.

But the truth is this: death will come for each of us, and the people we love will one day face the emotional and practical aftermath of our passing. Still, only about 30% of Americans have completed any form of advance care planning, advance directive, or living will. That means most people are unprepared emotionally, practically, and financially for one of life’s most certain experiences.

Preparing an advance directive or health care proxy, planning your funeral, or deciding on a memorial can feel uncomfortable—so we delay it. Unlike other life milestones, death isn’t one we “attend.” It’s easy to push aside, treat as morbid, or assume it will be handled later. But avoiding these conversations doesn’t spare our loved ones from pain, it often leaves them with confusion, guilt, and difficult decisions at the hardest possible time.

Your death shouldn’t become someone else’s problem. When we avoid planning, we pass the burden to others, forcing them to make choices during moments of shock, grief, and fear.

The Cost of Avoidance With Advanced Care Planning

Whether our death is decades away or closer than we’d like to think, someone will have to manage the details. Without a plan, families are often left with stress, resentment, and uncertainty.

If it feels “too early” to prepare, consider this: the cost of doing nothing often falls on the people we love most. Planning for death is not morbid—it’s an act of care, clarity, and compassion.

Why It’s So Hard to Plan for Death

1. Talking About Death Makes Us Uncomfortable

In American culture, death is taboo. We avoid the topic as though it’s contagious. But talking about death doesn’t cause death, it creates understanding and peace. Avoiding these discussions, on the other hand, leaves loved ones unprepared and overwhelmed when decisions must be made.

2. We Associate Advanced Care Planning with Giving Up

Many people assume that end-of-life planning means surrendering hope. In reality, it’s the opposite, it’s an empowering act of awareness. Accepting life’s impermanence often helps us live with deeper meaning, connection, and intention. Ironically, planning for death can help us live more fully.

3. We Don’t Want to Upset Our Loved Ones

Avoidance often comes from love. We fear these conversations will bring sadness or anxiety to those we care about. Yet, not planning is what truly creates pain, forcing loved ones to make medical or financial decisions during moments of crisis. Clear end-of-life wishes are one of the greatest gifts you can give your family.

4. We Assume There Will Always Be More Time

Death doesn’t follow a timeline. Accidents, illness, and unexpected circumstances happen at every age. Thinking about advance care planning isn’t pessimistic—it’s responsible. Like insurance, we hope we won’t need it soon, but we’re grateful when it’s in place.

5. We Don’t Know Where to Start

Creating documents like advance directives, living wills, and health care power of attorney forms can feel intimidating. But planning doesn’t need to happen all at once. It begins with small, honest conversations—and the willingness to take the first step.

Why Planning for Death Matters

How we relate to death influences how we live.When we acknowledge mortality, we tend to focus more on relationships, gratitude, and meaning. Planning ahead creates peace of mind, reduces fear, and ensures our values guide our care.

Advance care planning is not just about death, it’s about living with intention. It gives you control over your choices and provides relief for your loved ones, who no longer have to guess what you would want.

It’s your life. It’s also your death. Planning for both is an act of responsibility, and love.

How I Can Help With Advanced Care Planning as a Death Doula

As a death doula, I help you articulate what truly matters before decisions are made in crisis. You don’t need to have everything figured out, that’s what I’m here for.

Together, we:

• Clarify your values and priorities for care.

• Complete advance directives, living wills, and health care proxy documents.

• Identify your health care power of attorney or surrogate decision-maker.

• Discuss funeral or memorial preferences.

• Create space for emotional readiness and peace.

You don’t need an attorney in most states to create a valid living will or name a health care surrogate. I provide the forms, walk you through each section, and guide you in sharing them with your loved ones and medical team.

The result is clarity, calm, and confidence, knowing your wishes are known, your voice will be heard, and your loved ones are protected from uncertainty.

Final Thoughts

Planning for death isn’t about giving up, it’s about showing up. It’s a way to care for your loved ones long after you’re gone, ensuring your legacy is one of thoughtfulness, intention, and love.

Advance Care Planning gives you the tools to live, and die, with peace, dignity, and control.